Here’s another one, from a VPN company:

Hey The Survival Gardening Channel With David The Good,
I just wanted to check if you saw my last email.
As a reminder, _______ wants to sponsor a video on your channel. You’ll get a $250 base price + $20 for every person that signs up for ________ using your link for 30 days.
I would love to get you onboard for this campaign so please let me know if you are interested in hearing more.

So you mean we can read the Russian news again without getting blocked?

And download all Geoff Lawton’s videos on bittorrent without getting caught?

But no… no… I must avoid that arena of temptation.

I want to sell books, not pitch for internet security companies.

Here’s another offer:

Hi, David!
I’m reaching out to you because we viewed your nice videos on YouTube. Our gardening gloves are very comfortable and they’ve been great. We are Best Seller from Amazon even over 10,000 5 star reviews on US site. We will send you our gardening gloves first. We just hope our gloves can bring you more influence and convenience about your works and life. I believe both of us will win on this cooperation.

Though I was tempted to gain more influence and convenience, I said no. I don’t usually wear gloves in the garden, because I like to bolster my immune system and stay grounded by touching Mother Earth with my bare hands.

I also quit believing in Germ Theory because I found it inconvenient and have now chosen to believe that all diseases are caused by phthalates, Cheetos and microwaves.

Here’s another one for internet security:

Hi David! Thank you for putting out so much great gardening content. I thought I would reach out, if you don’t mind, and tell you about my business. I want to see if we can maybe work together. My business is to teach people to be private and secure online. I know that this is not what you typically talk about to your audience, but it is an important subject for everyone, especially nowadays. It’s a hot-button issue. People really want to know this information. I’ve worked with ______, ______ and many others. I’ve paid ______ $79,000 in commissions for promoting my educational webinar to ________ three times. I think your audience is bigger than _____, and I know they would love it too. Can I send you more info?

No, not interested. But that is a lot of money. I could buy tons of gloves with that kind of cash. And maybe invent some organic Cheetos.

Oh… wait…

Well, okay then. I got nothing. I pass the test. I will diminish, and go into the West and remain David The Good.

Here’s one that really missed the mark on me:

Hi from _______! We make hemp products, focusing on CBD and other isolated cannabinoids. We’re 4 years old with happy customers across the US and experiencing major growth in our sector. We think your audience and our brand could be a great fit. Your profile is similar to publishers that are doing well with us and we’d like to invite you to join our affiliate program! Give your audience the code dankfriends for 10% off their order on _______! Can’t wait to hear from you!

You know, I used to be pro-legalization, but after dealing with zillions of marijuana-related comments on this site and on YouTube, I now favor hanging.

Here’s someone trying to give me a loan, I think:

Andrew here again from ________. We invest ~$20,000 to $250,000+ in awesome creators like yourself who need additional cash to grow their channel. We support creators who have great ideas, but don’t have the upfront capital to execute on their business vision. We think you could be a great fit for this and I’d love to chat more about this opportunity! If the feeling is mutual, select a time below for a quick call.

No, sorry. I am still working on my mortgage. To open another line of credit at this point would be unwise. Besides – what would I do with that loan? Repaint my van?

Here’s someone that wants to give me a Chinese plastic freezer-bag packaging thingy:

Hello David, I hope everything goes well! I have followed your YouTube channel for a few months and I think the videos are great! My name is Sabrina, the marketer of _______. This is a fast-growing company which sells all kinds of products all over the world. The Social Media Marketing aims to and willing to send these items to the excellent influencers for review.We already had long-term cooperation with lots of influence. Now, we have a new item need review!If you wish to share the product on your channel/page to make a professional review video, we will provide Free product and keep it. We consider these items to be highly matched with your fans and will increase more followers who really love review on your YouTube channel! Below are information of it



Thanks, Sabrina Li, but the information of it was not high satisfaction for this time of business. Also, I’m pretty sure you’re not following my YouTube channel.

And here someone wants me to sell real estate:

Hi, My name is Oli, I am  an Outreach Specialist  at ______ Lots. Our company is a fast-growing real estate company in the USA. We offer our customers land for a good price. We take our savings and pass it on to our clients in the form of low prices and easy payments. Apart from exclusive access to listings not listed on the market, we also assist in outright land purchases and our innovative rent-to-own program. As an Outreach Specialist, I am looking for ways of promotion for our products. I was wondering if you’d be open to a social media collaboration. Right now, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube are some of the most efficient platforms to reach potential customers. Our team at _______ would love to explore the opportunity of being promoted on your social media channels. If this would be of interest to you, please share what kind of packages you would be able to offer. I think this would be an excellent opportunity for both of us. We look forward to hearing from you!

No thanks. I think the market is about to crash anyhow. Better to buy huge piles of [[redacted]]. Or maybe invest in gloves that increase your influence and convenience.

Here’s another one:

We’d be delighted to include you in the next edition of  ____________ a year long event guide and business directory running in print and online.

You will receive 1 year of hard copy distribution through the local gay friendly businesses and events in the area. Tremendous digital exposure though the On-line magazine, and email blasts to our digital subscriber list. The LGBTQ community is a phenomenal clientele and has a 78% higher net worth. It is well known for generating word of mouth referrals and our advertisers receive a tremendous ROI.

Would you benefit from being a recommended professional resource for the local LGBTQ community?

Have you seen my family? And my shoes? Do you realize how terminally straight I am?

Here’s yet another offer from China:

Hello, Hope this email finds you well! I am _________, Influencer Marketing Manager from our client ______, a market leading company dedicated to Security Cameras. We would like to collaborate on a 4G Security Camera Product-Launching Promotion with you. Here are some key features of _____ 4G Security Camera: Design for Farms Usings, Campers, Trailers, Construction sites, warehouses, ranch and etc. No WiFi Disconnection Hassles! Carriers-carefree: Compared to the market only got two, ______ can apply to three carriers, prepaid 4G LTE cellular SIM card with 100M data is included in the package. Full Coverage of Your Home: Adjustable camera, 355 degrees without dead angle Access to Cloud Storage: Financial level SSL protocol, with 32GB local storage. Precision 2K color: HD resolution night and day without a spotlight and playback anytime. If you are interested, please let me know your rate for promotion. We can also provide a free sample for you to try. And Let me know your shipping address, please.

No thanks. I read online that 4G causes Covid. Or was that 5G? Whatever, I remember it was a “G” thang. But also, I can’t think of any farm usings where I would want a camera.

I also don’t want this next thing:


Hello there, This is Selen from the ______ team reaching out for a collaboration. ________ is a leader in the industry for the longest length hoses in the garden hose reel and pressure washer industry. Our hose reel maintains the top 1 Google searches. I have been following your YouTube channel. Your videos about gardening caught my eye. Would you be interested in reviewing our 155ft Retractable Hose Reel?

No thanks, Selen.

I like to leave my hoses in big tangled piles at the edge of the garden. Untangling them is how I practice my own unique form of Christian Zen Discipline, which sometimes ends in extreme profanity and/or murdering people, which thankfully for my Adsense account is off camera.

Speaking of murdering people, here’s another pothead:

It has been a while since I followed your blog. I really loved some of your articles. Without wasting your time, let’s get back to the topic. So what’s my offer? I suggest adding your one article here __________ As per your specifications, And you add our article (on the most beautiful cannabis strains)  here: https://www.thesurvivalgardener.com/five-plants-that-look-like-marijuana/ with the text “most beautiful weed strains” In the first paragraph.

Ask not for whom the gallows is raised…

But no.

Finally, I have been offered bags of dried mealworms multiple times. Dried mealworms. Super exciting.

No, Klaus, I’m not falling for it.

Sometimes I wonder why I didn’t start a channel where I’d actually get offered good stuff. Maybe a luxury car channel. Or a [[redacted]] channel.

No. I get offered mealworms.

All that to say, I’m not interested in sponsorships. Unless someone wants to send me a tractor. Then I might cave. Especially if I can use it to display my books.